We should begin with a basic review of child development theories. Yes, I’m talking about the old nature vs. nurture arguments. Which factor influences child development more? Are children born with a genetic template that will determine what kind of person they will eventually become, or can they be molded into a person with characteristics determined by how they were parented?

My education and experience have convinced me that it is a combination of both. I can even give you an example. I did my study to complete my doctoral dissertation on psychopathy. You know, people like Ted Bundy and Ian Brady.

The warden of a local prison gave me access to study one hundred inmates using historical as well as psychological measures. Out of that population, I found three offenders who met the diagnostic criteria for psychopath. Their history demonstrated that these men were raised by mothers who demonstrated severe neurosis. None of their fathers stayed around long enough to participate in their parenting. Two of the three reported that their mothers attributed characteristics to the absent father that were consistent with psychopathy. Now this is by no means proof of anything, but to me it was at least anecdotal evidence that suggests that there was a genetic influence from the father and a developmental influence from a mother who was unable to provide appropriate parenting. One of the two men reported that his mother would get down on her hands and knees and bark at him when he misbehaved. She also had periods of depression manifested by sleeping for days at a time.

A word of caution, however. Since psychopaths are habitual liars, they might have been bull shitting me!

Wow! Just blew my whole argument. Oh well, the remainder of my seventy-six years of experience convinced me to stick to the theory that an individual’s personality and behaviors are determined by both a genetic “pre-disposition” and parental influence.

Now, let’s consider how faulty parenting styles can lead to the violent and unhealthy social behaviors described in Parenting Part 1.

The first and most harmful parenting style is: Aggressive.

Before I talk about this style, I would like to make an important distinction between aggression and assertiveness. Many people believe they are the same behaviors. The major difference is that to be aggressive means that you stand up for your rights but take away the rights of the other person. To be assertive means that you stand up for your rights but respect the rights of the other person.

When you call someone an idiot because they have an opinion that differs from yours, you are expressing your right to disagree while ignoring the other person’s right to be treated with respect. That is an aggressive stance. On the other hand, if you explain the reasons why you believe the other person’s opinion is misguided and give them an opportunity to explain why they feel that their opinion is correct, you are being assertive.

I will admit that my comments about Trump were aggressive in my first few posts. Those posts provoked a number of thoroughly aggressive comments. This interaction turned out to be an excellent example of the futility of an aggressive stance.

Now… back to parenting. The following is an example of aggressive parenting:

“Billy go to bed!”

“Aw gee, dad, I only have ten minutes left to finish this video game.”

“I don’t care, get to bed right now or I will smack you!”

Or:

“If you don’t go to bed right this minute, there will be no video gaming for a week!”

Here is an example of assertive parenting.

“Billy it is time for you to go to bed.”

“Aw gee, dad, I only have ten minutes left to finish this video game.”

“Billy, you know you need your rest in order to do well in school. I will make you a deal. If you get all B’s or better on your report card, we will move your bedtime back one-half hour for as long as you maintain those grades.”

It is always better to reward than to punish.

These are obviously only a couple of possible interactions for each style.

The next parenting style, I call neglectful.

“Dad, I am having trouble with my homework will you help me?”

“Sorry, Billy, I am watching the ball game. Say, as long as you are here, would you get me a beer from the fridge?”

There are many other faulty parenting styles, but they all have one thing in common.  They all demonstrate a lack of love for their children.

I believe that there is only one ingredient in the recipe for good parenting. That ingredient is LOVE.

From the time you first hold the newborn in your arms, until you say your final good-bye on your death bed, you should show everlasting love for every child you have.

There are many factors which make this a daunting task. Your newborn will go through many changes in their personality and behaviors as they grow. It is difficult to keep up with these changes. You may be a single parent which makes it difficult to have the time or energy to provide the demonstration of your love even if you feel the same level as when they were born. Even if both parents are available, the financial strain on families makes it difficult spend much time with your kids.

Even if there is little time to spend with their children, good parents will make some time whenever possible and make that time an opportunity to demonstrate their love to the children.

In Parenting Part 3. I will elaborate on ways to provide the best parenting. Please keep in mind that my posts are expressing my beliefs gathered during my lifetime and not necessarily consistent with yours.